Three weeks ago, in my eighth week of pregnancy, I began spotting. I had an ultra sound the same day and the baby was fine. The doctor said not to worry if the spotting continued for another week or so. It tapered off and I thought everything was fine.
Then, over a week later, while my husband was away leading a youth retreat (and out of cell-phone range!) the bleeding got unexpectedly worse. I had to spend the weekend in bed waiting for a Tuesday ultra-sound. At first, I thought I might be losing the baby. Fear, anxiety and pre-mature grief rushed in to take control. I knew I had to fight back. I read my Bible, listened to a wonderful sermon by Mark Dever on the kindness of God, and, when Steve got home he read Spurgeon’s Beside Still Waters to me: “Some have only learned to trust the smile of His face, but they must also learn to trust the blows of His fist” (pg. 15).
The unshakeable truth of God’s goodness was the solid ground for me to stand on in the midst of the unknown. I didn’t know if my baby was going to live or not. But I knew that God was the upholder of my baby’s life (Psalm 54:4) and what ever happened—even if it hurt—was because His love allowed it. Here I found peace, and even joy.
As you probably guessed, the Tuesday ultrasound revealed a little heart still beating. I’m at eleven weeks now and the bleeding has stopped. This weekend of uncertainty could hardly be called a trial. The two women we’ve heard from this week are enduring suffering I can’t even imagine, and yet with true grace and faith. I want to be like them someday.
Right now, I’m grateful for another lesson in trusting God—both the smiles of His face and the blows of His fist. Both are for my good.
