Q & A

Q. I am 18 years old and would like to know how to be "just friends" with the guys in our church, but don't know how. Can you give me any advice?

A. It wasn't so long ago now that I was navigating my way through the teen years and into early adulthood. One issue always lurking in the shadows was "friendships with guys."  How do these relationships look different from those with my girlfriends?   How much time do I spend with them?  Is it okay to hang out one on one or talk on the phone?

I always wished for a simple set of rules--just a little list of “do's and dont’s” that I could carry around in my pocket.  These rules would guarantee me success, and I would no longer have to worry about that little conscience of mine.  However, I learned early on that this one was a wisdom issue, and that Scripture was the primary source for that wisdom.

In 1 Timothy 5:1-2, Paul tells Timothy that he should, “Treat…younger women like sisters, in all purity.” Now if the guys are going to treat us as “sisters in all purity,” then we in turn must act like sisters, in purity! Here in this verse is the wisdom we so desperately need. We must ask ourselves—do I treat my guy friends as I would my own brother? Am I walking in absolute purity toward all young men?

For myself, I realized that my heart often had many competing motives at work in my relationships with guys. Instead of thinking and acting like a sister, I sometimes found myself wanting the attention of a particular guy. I also wanted other girls to think I had a sufficient number of guys that called me “friend.” Often times, the motives behind my relationships with guys were not God-honoring.

That is why it was so helpful that my mom and I kept a running dialogue on this issue. We didn’t have some kind of formal debriefing once a week, but talking about my guy friends was a regular part of our lives.  These conversations were most critical for me in the accountability that they provided and the counsel that my mom brought.  For those of you who may not have a godly mom, I would encourage you to have these types of conversations with another older, wiser, woman in your church.  As Mom said last week, we aren’t called to live the Christian life alone. We need the help, encouragement, and counsel of others. 

I also quickly learned that my friendships with guys needed to look quite different than my friendships with girls.  I recall a conversation that I once had with my singles pastor.  He told me, "Janelle, guys read into things just as much as girls do.  When a girl shows consistent attention to one guy, it can cultivate affection in that guy’s heart."  While I may have been considering my guy friends as brothers, they may have been thinking that there was something more.  I remember my mom telling me to relate to all guys as "another woman's husband."  I found this little phrase to be a very helpful heart-check in relating to my guy friends.

All of this said, friendships with guys are not wrong.  In fact I would argue that friendships with godly young men during these years are a gift from the Lord and something to be enjoyed.  Paul is obviously assuming that Timothy will relate to other young women in the church, but he makes clear what those relationships ought to look like.

As one of three girls (until my favoritist little brother arrived on the scene 12 yrs. after me) I'm very grateful for the guys that were my "brothers" during those years. If we pursue the biblical principles of purity and brotherly love, we can be free to enjoy godly friendships with godly guys as blessings from our heavenly Father.