girl talk

On Relationships

Every week here at girltalk we receive emails from single women who have questions about relationships with guys. How do I know if this is the guy I should marry? What do I do about my feelings for a guy when he hasn’t expressed any interest? How do I deal with a broken heart? What if my parent’s don’t approve of my relationship? How do I wait patiently for God to bring the right one for me? What if the right one never comes?

Many of these difficult questions require on-site advice from pastors and friends. However, on the Na blog today, Erin Sutherland shares how a little girl reminded her of God’s answer to all relationship questions--and indeed, to all of life’s questions. Be sure to check it out.

Q & A--Guy/Girl Relationships Pt. 2

After posting last week’s Q&A on Guy/Girl Relationships, we received the following e-mail from a reader named Amy. She wrote to tell us her love story, which, besides being a fun read, beautifully illustrates the principles we laid out in that post. Amy’s story is full of the peaceful wisdom that comes from learning to trust in the Lord. And while no two love stories are the same, we can all be encouraged by this striking example of God’s sovereignty, which graciously rules over all our lives.

When I was a senior in high school, I developed a great friendship with two Christian guys, and I ended up falling for one of them. Although I never let on about my feelings, I had a terrible habit of overanalyzing his every move, hoping to find evidence that he was secretly in love with me. But I had no real reason to believe he was. And I didn't know if he ever WOULD be interested in me. I think all I did was make myself crazy!

I also knew that the timing was off--having read and loved good old I Kissed Dating Goodbye, I was proudly (sometimes militantly ☺) single, and I knew neither of us was ready for a serious, marriage-focused relationship. (I actually confided in my best friend at one point: "I don’t want to date Steve now. I just want to marry him later!”) Yet in spite of my confidence in a purpose-filled, focused season of singleness, I longed for God to just tell me in advance whether Steve and I would ever be together. I can't tell you how many times I begged Him to give me some clarity one way or the other.

I knew that any sort of relationship might still be a few years away, but I foolishly reasoned that if God would just tell me, then I could let it go. I could either move on and forget about Steve if the answer was no, or if the answer was yes, I could rest in the knowledge that it would happen in a few years, and stop obsessing over it. What I didn't yet understand was that God wanted me to learn to rest in HIM--not in the specifics of a plan concerning my love life. So of course I got no such clear answer. [Read More...]

Q & A--Guy/Girl Relationships

From time to time we get this question: “I like such and such a guy but I’m not sure what his intentions are. I want to tell him how I feel, but I’m not sure what to do.”

When feelings of attraction toward a guy are strong, even a perceived interest on his part can raise our hopes and drive us to want to “do something” about those feelings. How do we know what is the right course of action?

As always, we must turn to God’s Word for direction, for Scripture is, “a lamp to my feet and a light to my path” (Psalm 119:105). Regardless of how strong our feelings are, we must examine them under the light of God’s Word and submit them (by force if necessary) to the authority of God’s Word.

So what does the Bible have to say to the young woman who wants to make her feelings known? The Bible isn’t merely a reference book for our problems; however, it does have all the answers. Understanding who God is and the purpose for which He created us, will cause everything to fall into place.  Three guiding principles apply here:

1. God has created us as women to be responsive to men’s leadership. This is clear throughout Scripture, not only in the created order and our calling to be helpers (Gen. 2:18-23), but in the commands for a wife to submit to her husband (Eph. 5:22-23) . If we seek to take matters into our own hands and “do something” about a situation such as this, we are depriving a man of an opportunity to fulfill his God-given calling to lead. Truly believing in the importance and significance of our femininity means living it out, even in the pressure cooker of strong desires. We must resist the temptation to allow our feelings and desires and not God’s Word dictate our direction. On a purely personal note, my mom used to ask me: Don’t you ultimately want a guy who is attracted enough to pursue you, without needing hints from you?

2. God is sovereign, loving, and wise. “But this guy I like hasn't pursued me. How do I resolve the fear that he won't notice me unless I take some initiative?” You may ask. Enter: the character of God. Human reasoning would say that this is incentive enough to buck the created order. However, we must hold fast to God’s Word and trust in His character. God is intimately involved in every detail of our lives (down to the hairs on our head). We must trust that His sovereignty is more than powerful enough, His love is more than true enough, and His wisdom more than knowledgeable enough to fulfill His perfect plan for us. This perfect plan may or may not include the desired relationship. But it will most definitely be for our good. As a single woman, Psalm 84:10-12 was my hope: “For a day in your courts is better
 than a thousand elsewhere. 
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God 
than dwell in the tents of wickedness.
 For the Lord God is a sun and shield; 
the Lord bestows favor and honor.
No good thing does he withhold
 from those who walk uprightly.
O Lord of hosts,
blessed is the one who trusts in you!”

3. God rewards our trust in Him. We don’t say “no” to our feelings and “yes” to God’s Word without a fight. And yet, there is joy and peace and freedom to be had. Psalm 131’s description of the weaned child, not concerned with things too lofty or wonderful, comes to mind. So does 1 Peter 3 and the woman whose beauty is of great worth in the sight of God because she does not “fear anything that is frightening.” Waiting and responding instead of initiating romantic relationships is not some kind of manipulative trick. It is the path to true attractiveness, the miraculous kind that only comes by the grace of God producing trust in God. For truly blessed is the woman who does not sinfully strive after a relationship, but quietly rests in the goodness of God!

Again, let me restate that these are guiding principles. Every person’s experience and situation is different; consequently we need the help of others to apply God’s truth to our lives. If you are unclear about how to relate to a guy in a God-honoring fashion, don’t try to figure this out on your own. Seek out your parent's counsel or guidance from another wise couple or mature woman. God will surely guide your steps.

Carolyn's Story Continued

Apparently it was my lack of interest in CJ that, among other things, first captured his interest in me.

He couldn’t understand why I was being rude and unkind about simply fixing him a hot dog. He was curious. Intrigued. He wanted to find out more about this girl. He began to look for ways to interact with me.

I, on the other hand, wanted nothing to do with him and purposed to avoid him.

Little did CJ know that he fit the profile of the kind of man I had vowed I would never marry—a preacher. See, growing up in the church I had observed many men in pastoral ministry who had mishandled finances, or committed adultery, or neglected to make their families a priority. Consequently, I had determined at a young age that I would not marry a man who was a pastor.

However, God in His great mercy had different plans for me.

As I began to listen to CJ preach over that week I was captivated by his passion for the Savior. So much so that by the time he asked me to take a walk with him several days later, I actually agreed. I was now the curious one. I wondered: Was this guy as passionate in real life as he appeared to be on stage?

My questions were quickly answered in that one walk. Because the only topic of our one-sided conversation (he did all the talking!) was about Jesus Christ and His death on the cross for our sins. And it was this same topic that dominated our conversations in many walks to follow.

I was smitten, and began to rethink my vow not to marry a preacher.

By the time CJ had completed his week of teaching at the conference center, he had communicated his interest in me, I had introduced him to my parents, I had decided not to go to Bible college and was rehired to my previous secretarial position, and a courtship had begun!

Or so I thought. However, I did not hear from CJ for several weeks after his return  to Maryland.

You see, before CJ had met me, he had concluded that the most effective way he could serve the Savior was to remain single. So, when he got back home, he began to deal with a raging conflict in his soul. He began to wrestle with the question: Was he being unfaithful to God’s call on his life by pursuing marriage?   

Thankfully, through the help and wise counsel of others he was able to resolve this issue and conclude that he wasn’t neglecting his God-given call by pursuing me. However, he had some big-time explaining to do when he finally phoned.

After we surmounted this hurdle, the courtship took off. However, the long-distance factor of our relationship, made the times together too infrequent, the good-byes extra difficult, and the phone bills way too high. So it was sweet indeed, when CJ asked me to marry him. Or more accurately, he asked: “Will you be engaged to me?” I think he had difficulty getting that word “marry” out of his mouth. But after my asking for clarification, he was able to say: “Will you marry me?”

I said “yes” and by far it is the best “yes” I have ever uttered.

In spite of the fact that each of us wanted to be somewhere else the day we met, that I didn't want to marry a preacher, and that C.J. wasn't sure he should get married, God's quiet providence had other plans in mind. C.J. and I were married on May 17, 1975. He was 21 and I was 19.

This year we celebrated our thirtieth wedding anniversary, and this post is not long enough to tell you of the love we have for each other today. However, I have included a tribute to my husband, given at the occasion of his turning over leadership of Covenant Life Church. In brief, it tells the story of our thirty years together.

Carolyn's Story

It all started with a cold hot dog. Or at least that is what my husband claims was the temperature of this All-American staple food I fixed for him the first time we met. Though we had been officially introduced earlier in the day, it was the “hot dog incident” of that unforgettable evening in the summer of 1974 that inaugurated our relationship. Let me fill in a few details of the story.

At the time of our meeting, I was living at and working as a secretary for a Christian conference center in Bradenton, Florida, where guest speakers came to teach for week-long series. CJ had just arrived from Maryland as the new speaker for the week. The reason I was serving up hot dogs instead of attending to my secretarial duties was because I had recently quit my job as secretary. I had planned to move back home with my family before heading off to a Bible college in Texas in a matter of days. However, my friends hounded me until I reluctantly agreed to stay one extra week to hear and meet a passionate preacher named CJ Mahaney.  And I was doing odd jobs for the week to compensate for my extended stay--thus my canteen duty where hot dogs and the like were served. But truth be told, I really did not want to be there. And I really did not want to meet CJ Mahaney.

So when he showed up at the canteen after the 11:00 PM closing time and asked for a hot dog, I said, “Sorry, we are closed.” He explained he had been traveling most of the day, just finished preaching and praying for people, and had hardly eaten a thing. He wondered if I would make an exception. With evident displeasure, I agreed. But I guess I didn’t boil that hot dog quite long enough to make it truly hot! 

And I wasn’t the only one who didn’t want to be at that place at that time. CJ had also worked through his own struggles with not wanting to be there. After accepting the invitation to speak at this conference center in Florida, he had received another invitation to speak at Jesus ’74-- one of the largest and most popular events on the Christian landscape at that time. So needless to say, he would rather have accepted that invitation. However, he believed integrity required him to be faithful to the commitment he previously made to the conference center.

So even though neither of us wanted to be there, he had come and I had stayed. We could not have imagined what the quiet providence of God had in store.

Tomorrow I will tell you what happened next…

Dad & Mom

Hey! We have had quite a few people requesting to see my parent's wedding pictures.  I thought that would be fun, so I dug through the archives and pulled out a couple for ya. I have to say that as happy as Dad and Mom look in these pictures, they're even more in love today. And, yes, that really is Dad with hair!

p.s. For those of you asking for my mom's courtship story, we have convinced her to share it!  You can be looking for it tomorrow.

Inviting Protection

Yesterday Nicole identified one of the aspects of a godly relationship as, “a humble pursuit of the involvement of others—godly parents if they are available.” The Bible makes it clear that we weren’t called to live the Christian life alone or independently. We need the support and encouragement of other Christians in every part of our lives—not the least being, romance!

As my daughters shared their courtship stories I couldn’t help but think about some of you reading this blog who do not have Christian parents, or maybe your parents are Christians but do not espouse these values.  And you might be asking the question: What should parental involvement look like in my situation?

In his book, Boy Meets Girl, Joshua Harris answers this very question by elaborating on the principle of “inviting protection” from other godly men and women.  He uses his own courtship experience as an illustration of one way this might look:

Different people will apply it differently in their lives.

For example, I didn’t talk to Shannon’s dad before I told her of my interest in her. She wasn’t living at home, and though she has a wonderful father, he wasn’t a Christian or providing spiritual leadership in her life. I knew that calling him to get permission for a courtship would be more confusing than helpful.

So instead, I talked to Shannon’s pastor, as well as two other married couples from our church who were close to her. I made sure that they didn’t have concerns about me or the timing of a relationship. Only after getting their encouragement did I talk to Shannon.

Then I called both Shannon’s parents the following day to let them know about our courtship and invite their participation. “I’d like you to be involved in our relationship,” I told each of them. I also told both her dad and mom that I’d talk to them before I proposed.

Do you see the principle at work in our situation? I was inviting the protection of the godly men and women who cared for Shannon spiritually, and I was honoring the father and mother who raised her. We don’t all have the perfect family situation, but we can all apply this principle in some form.

So if your family situation does not afford you the benefit of godly parental involvement, may I encourage you to pursue help from older and more mature men and women in your local church?  Contrary to the world’s perspective, romance isn’t dampened by inviting godly counsel. Rather, romance is protected and ultimately cultivated through the wisdom and involvement of others.

In a Word, Courtship

Yesterday Steve and I had a conversation with a friend who is seeking to pursue a relationship with a girl in a God-honoring way. Yet, he was hesitant to use any term—“dating” or “courtship” to describe their relationship. As he put it, “people read so much into those terms.” He’s right. Sometimes simple words like these come loaded with all kinds of extra baggage, at times unfairly attached. That left this guy floundering for a “safe” and meaningful word or phrase to describe his relationship. I sympathize with his dilemma.

As we told our courtship stories these past two weeks, some of you may have wondered exactly what we meant by "courtship." Or maybe you assumed you already knew.

Let me explain. First of all, we used the term “courtship” to describe our relationships, and yet it’s not the term that we think is important. It doesn’t matter if you call it "courtship," "dating," or “a special friendship,” (a rose by any other name would smell as sweet, right?). What matters—what truly matters today, and on that last day—is that we live in such a way that brings glory to God.

"Courtship" is simply—to borrow a concise definition from Joshua Harris—“that special season in a romance where a man and woman are seriously weighing the possibility of marriage.” By using the term “courtship,” we mean a relationship between a guy and a girl where they are seeking, above all, to honor God. This necessarily includes a commitment to purity (Col. 3:1-5), a humble pursuit of the involvement of others—godly parents if they are available (Heb. 3:13-14), and an intentional focus on serving one another (Phil. 2:1-11). As Dad always says, "Courtship is about sanctification—God changing us to be more like Him."

Someone else who uses the term “dating” may mean all these things! We simply use the word “courtship” to distinguish between our culture’s approach to dating, which lacks these biblical essentials.

Ultimately, 1 Corinthians 10:31 is our infallible guide through the relationship maze: “So, whether you eat or drink [or date or court], or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.”

Nicole's Story, Continued

It was a year and two months after Kristin’s wedding before Steve asked Dad’s permission to pursue a courtship with me. Through a funny series of “slips” (not Steve's fault, but a story in and of itself) I learned of his interest some months prior. So I’d been praying and talking to my parents about this possibility. But poor Steve had no idea that my entire family and I knew of his interest.

In January of 2000, when I had finally despaired of his ever making a move, Steve walked into Dad’s office and asked to talk with him. “It’s about my daughter, isn’t it?” Dad asked.

Steve, stunned, managed to blurt out, “Yes.”

“You want to know if you can court her, don’t you?”

“Yes.”

“OK. You have my permission,” Dad said. (He already knew Steve personally by this time). “I’ll ask her and tell you what she says.”

In less than thirty seconds, a rather shell-shocked Steve stumbled out of Dad’s office. This wasn’t how he’d thought it would go. He hadn’t even used the speech he’d prepared.

But Dad wasn’t finished with him yet. After I gave my answer of “yes” he decided to have a little more fun at Steve’s expense.

A few days later he pulled Steve aside at church. “I have bad news and I have good news,” he said. “The bad news is that Janelle is not in faith to enter into a courtship with you…”

Steve frantically thought back to the brief meeting in Dad’s office and realized he had never actually said “Nicole”! All he’d said was “yes!” Dad briefly enjoyed the utter confusion on Steve’s face, but didn’t leave him in turmoil for long, “…but Nicole is in faith to enter into a courtship.”

And I was in faith. In faith for courtship. In faith to take a step.

As I had watched Steve in various contexts (work, leaders’ meetings, social settings) for the past year, I was drawn to many qualities about him. He was a leader, yet drew no attention to himself. Uncommonly humble. He was a joyful, passionate man who worshipped with his long arms outstretched. He dearly loved his family—a quality that struck me as somewhat unique for a guy his age. Not to mention he loved all things literary. 

As we entered our courtship, I discovered Steve was all these things and more. And yet, I had many doubts and questions, primarily stemming from the picture I’d carefully sketched in my mind of the man I would marry and, maybe even more significantly, the life I would lead after marriage.

You see, as a young child I was sure I was going to be a missionary. As this desire ripened to maturity and a love for my local church gripped my heart, I desired to be a pastor’s wife. Growing up as a PK, all I’d ever known was life in full-time ministry. I couldn’t imagine supporting a husband in any other vocation. It was familiar. It was comfortable. I knew my way around. And besides, the church was what I was passionate about. I just couldn’t envision spending myself on anything else.

“Problem” was, Steve’s calling and future were still unsure. He had graduated from the Pastors’ College and was serving an internship with the dean, Jeff Purswell. He had a desire to pursue full-time ministry. Yet, this desire had neither been tested nor confirmed. And so I wondered, Did I really want to marry a man who wasn’t a pastor? What if he pursued a different career—would I be unhappy for the rest of my life?

Pause. If I may be so bold as to offer a word of advice to single women everywhere: beware of creating an imaginary life around an imaginary man so that when a real man comes along you can’t see him for the imaginary life you’ve created. I almost missed him and I wouldn’t want that to happen to you.

In the midst of all my questions and doubts my parents graciously counseled me for hours. I also had coffee with every girl I knew who was in a courtship, had recently gotten married, or had been married for twenty years! It didn’t matter. I searched high and low for that perfect courtship stencil over which I could paint my courtship story. I figured that if I found a woman whose story matched mine, I could discover what God’s will for me.

But my search was in vain. Although many courtship stories had similarities with mine, they all had one thing in common: they were all different! There was no comfort to be found in another woman’s experience. Eventually, I realized God was still teaching me the lesson that had begun before I was courting: Trust Me. It was only in trusting Him that I found perfect peace regarding my future.

After much prayer and invaluable counsel from my parents, I realized that I had to marry (or not marry) Steve for the man he was--not the job he had (or didn’t have). And so it’s the man he is that I fell in love with, and am more in love with than ever five years later.

Today Steve is part of the pastoral team at Sovereign Grace Church of Fairfax. But I will always be grateful that it wasn’t so when we got married. Because I’ll never have to wonder if that is why I married him. I married him because I loved and respected the man that he is. And that will never change.

At our wedding, a member of our church, Kevin Hartnett, wrote the following poem. It expresses beautifully what I think God was after in my heart, and every woman’s heart—married, single, or courting: a deep abiding trust in the quiet, wise, faithful, and loving providence of God.

May vineyards flow from all the good the Lord has brought to me,
And richest life extend throughout the land for all to see
That not of my good will or sense the plan unfolds this way,
But in the gracious mind of God tomorrow forms today.

Copyright 2000, Kevin Hartnett

Nicole's Story

When I met my tall, dark, and unarguably the handsomest of husbands, we were attending different churches, but ended up at dinner with some mutual friends. I don’t think we spoke a word to each other the entire evening. Neither of us left an impression on the other (disproving the old adage that first impressions are lasting). It wasn’t until Steve Whitacre came to the Pastors’ College (based at Covenant Life Church) in 1998 that we met again for the very first time.

But to appreciate my courtship, you have to go back to the winter of 1997 and begin with Kristin’s courtship, as hers came first. This is significant, as I am the older sister. And although I didn't condone his methods, I kind of agreed with Laban (father of Leah and Rachel) in the Bible: it’s best for the older sister to get married first, because, well, she’s the oldest! However, truth be told, I kind of always knew that my younger, prettier, and sweeter sister would get married before me.  But that didn’t make it any easier when the time came.

To top it off, one of my closest friends (Kelly) also began a courtship at the same time as Kristin, and then Joshua Harris (who was living in our home at the time) began his courtship with his now, wife, Shannon. So, at home, I had to live with two love-struck puppies and when you added Kelly to the mix it meant (as I told Mom) that everyone I knew was courting! With seemingly no prospects for miles (maybe space travel would present some options?) I hunkered down for a long winter that even Laura Ingalls Wilder couldn't have imagined.

What I didn’t know was that at this very time, God was drawing my future husband’s heart to Himself.

Meanwhile, God had a whole lot of work to do on me. In the midst of my self-pity, I had a pivotal conversation with Mom (which is how I could describe many of our conversations!). She kicked my backside so to speak and challenged me that God had “good works prepared in advance” for me to do during this season. I wasn’t single because the “flight to marital bliss” was overbooked and I was left on standby. I was single because God had a purpose for my singleness.

Once I repented of my sinful self-pity and joyfully threw myself into all those good works God had prepared for me in my local church, I couldn’t have been busier or happier. While a worldly perspective would be that I could only find true happiness when I found “the one,” I discovered that true happiness comes in serving Christ. So nine months later, at Kristin’s wedding, my “walking down the aisle smile” was for real.

What I didn’t know was that in the wedding congregation, watching me, was my future husband.

To be continued tomorrow…