girl talk

Book Club Chapter Ten

As pastors' wives, we’ve unfortunately been on the receiving end of conversations with young women that go something like this:

“I’m trying to get him to have consistent quiet times and be more passionate for the Lord. And I know that we’ve crossed the line more than a few times in the area of purity. But he says he really loves me and I love him. I’m sure he’ll shape up once we’re married. I can’t live without him.”

As women, our desire for marriage can be so strong, that we’re willing to settle for what John Ensor calls, “the immature, selfish, ungodly man” or even fall victim to the “deceitful and cunning predator.” But now, we have the “Manhood Test Kit"—the essential tool for determining if a man is ready to be married, or not. And it’s this: does he obey God by leading your relationship in purity?

I can’t say it better than John Ensor has already has:

“Men willing to wait, and wanting to wait, will test positive. It is not a lack of sexual interest; it is a healthy fear of God. It is love, which at this point rightfully expresses itself as protection frm sin and shame. If he weakens, help him succeed. If all else goes well in the development of the relationship, you know you are marrying a godly man, one who has self-control and a clear sense of his calling as a man.

Let me just add that the “Manhood Test Kit” is most effective in the context of community. Make sure you are asking for and seriously considering the counsel of godly men and women around you as you test the maturity of the man you may marry.

Once again, we’d like to suggest a book by Joshua Harris to be read in conjunction with Doing Things Right. In addition to Sex is Not the Problem (Lust Is), his book Boy Meets Girl talks about how to walk out a godly, pure relationship in the context of the local church.

May God raise up many godly men who are committed to leading in purity as they walk toward the altar. And may God grant the women they are leading the discernment and wisdom to test their character against the straight edge of God’s Word.

Book Club Chapter Nine

"He protects … She welcomes protection."

“We do not face intruders, fire, crashes, and drowning on a regular basis. So let me close this chapter with a few mundane examples where manly protection expresses itself on a day to day basis.”

John Ensor goes on to list common ways a man protects—such as how he walks next to a woman on the street, opens the door so she can go in first (or goes in first himself in an unknown situation), and takes the lead in driving.

The question for us is: are we welcoming the protection of godly men? Are we noticing it, commenting on it, thanking them for it, even asking for it? Sometimes these mundane acts of protection are very simple gestures like the ones Ensor listed. We can easily take them for granted, and fail to express our gratefulness.

Welcoming godly protection may seem insignificant. However, it is one way that in a confused society we as women can express our femininity and encourage godly men in their masculinity. By doing so, we acknowledge and affirm that the way God made us is beautiful, good, and right.

Book Club Chapter Eight

In chapter eight entitled, “He Works…She Waits,” John Ensor reminds us of the importance of sexual purity:

“Sisters, there is power in waiting. If you give away this God-endowed power and simply act, as the apostle Paul said, 'like the Gentiles who do not know God' (1 Thessalonians 4:5) and satisfy his lusts, you undermine God's work of maturing manhood. So part company with the crowd. Become a nonconformist. Swim upstream. Those who go with the flow in this matter are more likely to get the flotsam floating down the current. There are potentially good men in the mix, but how will you know the seemingly mature predatory male from the immature provider-protector type of man who is ready to grow up? Purity is the litmus test. Waiting will reveal the heart of the matter.”

This topic of sexual purity has been wisely addressed on a more detailed level in Josh Harris’s book, Sex Is Not The Problem (Lust Is). Instead of giving you the description myself, I’ll let Josh do it for me. Take a moment and watch this video, and if you find yourself tempted to compromise your sexual purity, please consider purchasing this book.

P.S. Please read chapter nine in Doing Things Right by Friday!

Book Club Chapter Seven

“In matters of the heart, it is right that men should lead and women welcome and guide that leadership. She is his helpmate (Gen. 2:18). Her goal is to give her man all the help he needs to lead well….The guidance that she provides him comes mainly in two forms: in helping him think clearly and in encouraging him to act confidently.” Doing Things Right in Matters of the Heart, p. 97

What a wonderfully biblical picture of complementary roles.  He leads and she welcomes his leadership; but she also actively participates as his helpmate. 

For Brian and me, the stewardship of our finances has been a training ground for our roles. I’ve sought to serve him by keeping track of our finances. He has sought to lead by utilizing my gifts to help him think clearly and act confidently when making financial decisions.

To give you a little window into our lives: I’m the money conscious one, and Brian is the memory maker. I’m saving every penny and he’s giving away every dime.  That’s a bit of an exaggeration, but you get the picture.

As you may have read on this blog, I recently turned 30.  To celebrate my big day, Brian told me he had planned a few surprises. So when my birthday rolled around, I was a bit nervous about where he was going to find the money to fund his set of surprises. 

When he mentioned the idea of taking me to Washington, D.C. for an overnight, I anxiously inquired: “Where are you going to get the money for that?” Hardly an expression of gratefulness, support and encouragement for his leadership!

You see it’s not that we didn’t actually have the funds available. It’s just that I would have preferred to save the money instead of spend it on an overnight. And while Brian is committed to prudently saving, he was also determined to bless me on this occasion.

In the end, Brian decided that we would take the overnight. And I’m so glad we did. We had a wonderful trip and made memories that will last a lifetime. Once again I was reminded that this man is called to lead me and that things go well when I follow his leadership. Next time, by God’s grace, I hope my words and heart will better help him to think and act.

Book Club Week Six

“Sisters, all the advice from Vogue, Glamour, and Cosmopolitan that talks about going after and getting your man, all the blather about how in this day and age it is just as acceptable for you to initiate as for him, is just that—blather. Be confident and trust your feelings on this matter. Be confident that if he is the man you hope and wish him to be, he will play the man. You crackle the leaves a bit when he is in the area and let him know you are there. Then wait for him to initiate, or not. In the long run, you will be well served either way.” Doing Things Right in Matters of the Heart, page 94

In their newly converted, youthful zeal, my dad and a group of his friends decided that God had called them to remain single. Dad was uninterested in the efforts of women to attract his attention. Put off by their forward manner, it was easy to think that God wasn’t leading him to get married.

Until he met my mom.

When he walked into the canteen at the Christian retreat center where Mom was working for the week, she didn’t try to catch his eye. Instead, she told him the canteen was closed. After pleading for a hot dog (on the grounds that he’d been serving and preaching all day and was tired and hungry) she finally relented. But to this day, Dad claims the hot dog was as cold as her demeanor. (She disputes this accusation, of course!)

My dad, who only a day before thought he would remain single, was suddenly smitten. Something in him—something that wanted to initiate, pursue, and win a woman’s heart—was awakened. So he asked my mom to take a walk. And the rest, as they say, is history.

Mom used to remind my sisters and me of this story when we were tempted to try to get some guy’s attention. Allow a man to win your heart, she would say. And if he doesn’t want to, then why would you want him?

God created men to initiate and he created women to respond. Or, as John Ensor also puts it, “His power is in the exclamation [of love]. Yours is in the echo.” When we remember this, things will work right in matters of the heart.

(We will discuss chapters seven and eight at the beginning of next week.)

Book Club Week Five (and other notes)

We’ve got a lot to look forward to in the second half of Doing Things Right, and Chapter Five—with it’s apt and beautiful figure skating illustration—sets it up for us. What can we expect from “Section Two”? Practical and helpful advice from Scripture that teaches couples: “how to achieve unity, how two become one” and prepares singles for the marriage relationship. There are also lots of great Shakespeare quotes, which makes me happy.

Your assignment is to read chapters six, seven and eight over the next three weeks. Book club posts will be suspended for two weeks as the entire Mahaney clan heads to Tennessee for our annual vacation. We’ll post on all three chapters during the first week in August when we return.

But don’t you go anywhere, for starting Monday Janelle will post a “Pic of the Day” from our vacation. While we can’t fit the entire girltalk audience into the lake house, we hope you enjoy the view through Janelle’s camera lens.

Finally, for a little weekend reading, you can pop on over to The Shepherd’s Scrapbook for a very kind review of Shopping for Time by a very pregnant Karalee Reinke. While you’re at it, pray for the safe delivery of her little one (if she hasn’t already had the baby by the time you read this post!).

Friday Funnies still to come!

Book Club Week 4

This chapter is a winsome polemic for “A Clear Appreciation of Our Complementarity.” In a culture where biblical manhood and womanhood are not appreciated, but rather maligned, it is vitally important that we fight to maintain our own appreciation of the way that God has made us to glorify Him.

We must also pass this value on to our children.

On page 67, Ensor quotes Wendy Shallit, who observes that her generation learned their distorted view of manhood and womanhood “with our ABC’s.” So, what are our children learning from us?

It’s never too early to begin teaching our children about God’s design for men and women. We’re constantly telling Jack, “That’s what boys do!” Boys hold the door for the girls. Boys play with army men. Boys are tough. And boys aren’t better than girls, we explain. Just different. And we celebrate the differences.

If you are the parent of a teenager, consider reading and discussing this chapter with your son or daughter. Check their “appreciation-o-meter” when it comes to biblical manhood and womanhood and where necessary, remind them of God’s perspective.

For boys, “Show Yourself A Man” by Randy Stinson is an outstanding resource. I also recommend Mom’s thoughts on this topic. And Steve recently purchased a book called The Dangerous Book for Boys which is positively reviewed by Al Mohler. For girls, we wrote Girl Talk to help moms inspire their daughter to biblical womanhood. For young girls, a kitchen set might also help.

In obedience to the opening verse of this chapter, let’s help our children not be conformed to this world, but transformed by the renewing of their mind. Let’s teach them, along with their ABC’s, to love being boys and girls.

Book Club Week 3

I’m loving this book! Over the last week we read chapter three and it was packed full of wisdom and insight. On page 46 John Ensor writes, “When it comes to doing things right in matters of the heart, the first right thing we can ever do, the one right thing we must do, in order to get all the other things right, is to give our hearts to God.” He continues on page 47 saying, “If we do not seek our happiness in God and make him our perfect and everlasting happiness, then every good thing becomes a substitute for God; it becomes an idol.”  As soon as I read these quotes I was reminded of the excellent messages my Dad recently gave at the New Attitude conference on the topic of idols. I wasn’t able to attend this conference, but the folks from New Attitude have graciously made the messages available for free online. Thanks, guys! I took some time in my morning devotions a few weeks ago to work through these messages, taking notes and seeking to examine my life. Can I encourage you to do the same? These messages are a perfect partner to this chapter. Click here to get the messages and happy listening.

Book Club Week Two

This week (June 20th, to be exact) marks two years since my daughters and I launched girltalk. For those of you who have been reading this blog from the beginning or even if you’ve been following along only for a short while, probably know this about us: We love to recommend good books! From as early as the second day of this blog’s commencement, we were offering book suggestions for your summer reading. A year ago, as a way to promote the pleasurable discipline of reading, we inaugurated The Girltalk Book Club (of which we are presently reading our third book together.) As recently as yesterday, we were commending a book for your children. And for as long as it is God’s will that we continue this blog, we will advocate buying and reading good books —books that point us to The Greatest Book of all.

All this to say: I have another book recommendation for you today – a must have for your library. Yes, I know… today is Friday, book club day…and we are supposed to be talking about chapter two of our current selection: Doing Things Right in Matters of the Heart. Actually, it was our reading assignment this past week that got me thinking about the invaluable resource of good books. John Ensor makes the following observation in his second chapter, “What the Heart Wants:”

"I am a sinful man subject to temptations and an insecure man subject to the need for peer approval. This need for approval from others (in the Bible it is called the fear of man) is the point of entry for most sin. It is the breach in our nature by which sin recruits and makes new disciples" (p. 34).

The fear of man is “the point of entry for most sin.” Did you catch that the first time? It was easy to miss in a chapter so densely packed with wisdom as this one. And yet, the implications of this truth reach far beyond matters of the heart and affect every area of our lives. The fear of man, the desire for the approval of others, the attraction to those things that “attractive” people say are attractive (even if they defy God’s Word) is a powerful motivator in our lives.

Consider for a moment: Is there any sin in your life—in your relationships, your job, your hobbies, your money, your time, that you are pursuing because of the fear of man—because the world around you gives this desire, its stamp of approval?

If you think this may be so, here’s where my book recommendation comes in. Because this topic of “the fear of man” is thoroughly and biblically addressed in When People Are Big and God is Small by Ed Welch.

Many of you may have already read this book, but even so, may I encourage you to reread it at the conclusion of our book club? Because John Ensor is on to something—if we want to do things right in all matters of life, we must heed the warnings of Scripture and beware the snare of the fear of man (Pr. 29:25).

Book Club Week One

“The simple believes everything, but the prudent gives thought to his steps”—wise truth for all matters of life, but as John Ensor rightly observes, the stakes are high when it comes to matters of the heart.

In this book, as in Scripture, we are presented with two options:

1.    Be simple--and believe in the “postmodern paradigm of meeting up, hooking up, shacking up, and breaking up” because “that is what most people are doing.”  The results are “weeping into tear-stained pillows through sleepless nights…hot flashes of shame…spiritual incapacitation…self-doubt and self-loathing” for starters.

OR

1.    Be prudent--and “consult the Maker and Master of hearts when it comes to matters of the heart” and build a firm “foundation of lasting love and…enduring friendship.” 

Maybe you have already been defrauded by the world’s way. It’s not too late to receive forgiveness and “do things right.” Or you may be a young women with no experience in matters of the heart. This book can be an invaluable guide. Or maybe you’re married and think “matters of the heart” are a thing of the past. Nevertheless, this book has some vitally important to convey to you.

Whatever your situation, John Ensor makes good on his claim: “I present a compelling vision of complementarity between the sexes. I propose action, but it is a complementary action for each.”

This book contains beautiful truth and and it also compels us to act. And we want to encourage you to take one action this week in response to chapter one. Read chapter two (of course). But also consider: Who in your life passes the pudding test? Who are the single women or married couples you know whose lives present “a compelling vision of complementarity”?

Once you’ve answered this question, go and tell them so. All too often we reserve intelligent encouragement for milestone birthdays or eulogies. But let’s not wait until then. Let’s thank those whose wise counsel is backed by real-life “pudding.” And let’s do it this week.

What’s more, let’s follow their example and the godly advice of this book. For if we do, someday we’re sure to have some pudding of our own.