girl talk

Doing Him Good (even when it's laundry)

"She does him GOOD, and not harm, all the days of her life." Proverbs 31:12

We are to use our gifts to do good to our husband, but we must also do him good in ways that don’t come naturally to us but would be a blessing to him. We must be willing to go beyond what feels comfortable or easy in order to do our husband good.

Maybe we don’t like to cook but our husband really enjoys a gourmet meal. Maybe we aren’t the “organized type,” but our husband prefers everything in its place. For many husbands, romance and physical intimacy top the list. Maybe there are interests or hobbies our husband would like us to do with him that wouldn’t be our first choice.

I, for one, seriously dislike doing laundry. No good reason for this lack of affection, but there it is. But Mike really appreciates it when I am consistent with this chore. (I wonder why? I mean who cares if they run out of clean clothes?) Often I’m tempted to put my personal preferences before the laundry. But when I stop and consider my responsibility to do my husband good by putting his desires before mine, I get a biblical perspective on that pile of dirty clothes, and it makes its way to the laundry room faster.

Now, obviously we all have limitations. We can’t become experts in an area that’s beyond our ability. (Too bad laundry isn’t beyond my ability!) However, we must not allow selfishness to keep us from doing good in ways that our husband desires. We can’t hide behind the excuse that “I’m just not good at this” or “this isn’t how I’m wired.” God is eager to help us grow in serving our husbands.

And we can’t assume that we already know what is “good” to our husband. We need to ask. So here’s some weekend homework: let’s take a few minutes and ask our husbands, “What is one way that I can do you good?” And let’s be prepared for action--even if it’s laundry.

Her First Priority

“She does HIM good, and not harm, all the days of her life.” Proverbs 31:12

The object of this wife’s active do-gooding is her husband.

Obviously the Proverbs 31 woman does good to many people—her children, her servants, the poor and needy, the business community. But it seems clear from verse 12—and many other places in Scripture—that the primary priority of the virtuous woman is to do her husband good. He is to be the number one recipient of her efforts and energy.

It’s easy for us as women to get busy trying to do a lot of good for a lot of people—our children, the church, the community. But if we don’t make doing good to our husband our highest priority, or if doing good to others hinders or significantly limits the good we can do our husband, we are not an authentic replica of the Proverbs 31 woman.

Now, I’m not trying to add to your to-do list. Actually, this truth helps to simplify my life. When I put my husband as the first priority (after my relationship with God, of course) it helps me determine what else is important and what is not.

Sad to say, I don’t always do this. Sometimes I am quick to meet my kid’s needs or to agree to do a favor for a friend without considering whether or not it would serve my husband. Serving my children and those in the church is right and important--as we see in the example of the Proverbs 31 woman. But I must remember that I am uniquely gifted and called to do good to my husband first.

Charles Spurgeon describes the excellent wife: “She asks not how her behavior may please a stranger, or how another’s judgment may approve her conduct; let her beloved be content and she is glad.”

I want God’s help to continue to make Brian’s good my first and glad priority.

A Woman of Action

“She DOES him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.” (Proverbs 31:12)

The Proverbs 31 woman is a woman of action. She isn’t simply a well-wisher of her husband’s happiness; she’s a doer of good to him. She brings him good, it says in the NIV. She delivers and supplies good to him. She does it.

It doesn’t say whether or not she feels like doing her husband good. In fact, feelings don’t enter into the matter. Not that feelings are irrelevant--if we lack desire to do our husband good, this needs to be investigated. Maybe bitterness has corroded our desire, laziness has dampened it, or busyness and selfishness have stifled it. If so, we must repent from sin and ask God to revive in our hearts a desire to do good to our husband.

But we must not wait for some lovey-dovey feeling or just the right time to do him good. Instead, as a step of repentance, we must act for our husband's good. This not only proves our desire for his happiness, but will fuel it as well.

“The…conclusive evidence of our wishing or willing to do good to another” wrote Jonathan Edwards, “is, to do it.” He goes on: “In every case nothing can be plainer, than that the proper and conclusive evidence of the will, is the act…for whatever we truly desire, we do thus seek.”

If we truly desire our husband's good, we’ll make specific efforts toward his happiness. We will not simply love him in word or tongue, “but in deed and truth” (1 John 3:18-19).

Maybe, like me, you are full of good intentions and resolutions but often come up empty on action. That’s when a plan can be helpful. Take a few minutes to think about your husband and ask yourself: “What is one way I can do him good and how can I make it happen?”

May God, the source of all good, help us grow in doing good to our husband.

Gifted To Do Him Good

“SHE does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.” Prov. 31:12

For the next few days we’re going to consider this verse, drawing in part from a message given by Nicole.

First, take a look--Who is the one designed and appointed to bring my husband good? It’s none other then me!  Many people may be a blessing to my husband, but as his wife, I have been created, fashioned and designed to be the most effective at bringing my husband good.”

We learn this in the first pages of our Bible. Gen. 2:18 says “Then the Lord said, ‘It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him’” (emphasis mine).

What was not good? For the man to be alone.

What was good? For the man to have a helper, his wife.

Each of us, no less than Eve, was carefully fashioned, down to the last detail, to be a helper “fit” for our husband. We have a unique ability to do him good. The strengths, talents and gifts that God has given to us are the perfect combination to complement him.

I am sometimes tempted to sinfully compare myself to other women who I think are more beautiful, gifted, creative, or competent than me. But no other person, no matter how gifted they are, could fill my role as Brian’s wife better than I can. I have been carefully fashioned by my Creator to serve my husband.

The truth that God has made me a helper fit for my husband fills me with faith for my role. It also excites me to do him all the good that I possibly can!

“She [that’s me!] does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.”

Doing Good in A Difficult Marriage

"She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life." (Prov. 31:12)

As we study a topic like “doing your husband good,” I think of the women I know who are in difficult marriages. Maybe you are one of them. Maybe your husband has sinned against God and against you in significant ways and yet remains unrepentant. Your seemingly senseless situation poses the question: “How can God expect me to do good to my husband?”

For the answer, we must view such circumstances in light of the cross, where God the Father sacrificed His only Son. This event did not seem to make sense either. But out of Christ’s unspeakable suffering, God, in His perfect wisdom, provided salvation for mankind. If He has purchased our salvation through the suffering and sacrifice of His Son, can we not trust that He is working good in the midst of our suffering (Rom. 8:28)?

If you are in an exceptionally trying situation with your husband, I encourage you to pour out your heart to the Lord of love. He knows, He sees, and He hears; and though your tears may be lost on your husband, they are not lost on your heavenly Father. He is the compassionate Lord who urges us to draw near to Him so “that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need” (Heb 4:16).

Although you may not understand, you can be sure your marriage has God’s loving inscription upon it. God’s unerring wisdom has ordained your relationship with your husband—for your good and for Christ’s glory. Look to God for strength to endure, for the Lord promises that He will husband you (Isa. 54:5-6). God will renew your strength so you will not grow weary in doing good to your husband.

And you do not know what the Lord has planned for your future. Your doing good to your husband could be the very means God uses to soften his heart toward you and toward Himself.

I hope that as we continue this little series you will be encouraged to persevere in doing your husband good, for the glory of God, and in the strength that He provides.

The Proverbs 31 Wife

“She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life” (Proverbs 31:12).

We want to examine one aspect of the Proverbs 31 woman’s portrait: her role as a wife.

“Doing Your Husband Good” wouldn’t play well on the cover of a woman’s magazine these days. In the aftermath of the feminist movement, motherhood has made a comeback, and even domesticity has regained popularity, but the role of a wife as portrayed in the Bible remains repulsive.

As Christian women we can sometimes resemble our culture’s portrait of the worthy woman more than Scripture’s. Motherhood can consume us, the home is an endless cycle of chores, and then we try to carve out some time for ourselves—our own hobbies and interests. There can be little time or energy left to do our husbands good.

But our role as a wife is to be our highest priority, our first concern. Our husband should come before the kids, before the house, and yes, even before our own hobbies and pursuits.

Scripture makes this abundantly clear, as Mom points out in Feminine Appeal. She cites Genesis 2:18 where we read that the woman was created to be her husband’s helper; then 1 Cor 11:9 where Paul writes that man was not created for woman, but woman for man. In Titus 2 we find that “the list of instructions for the younger women begins and ends with their relationship to their husbands.”

What does this look like, especially for those in difficult marriages? Mom weighs in tomorrow. 

Happy Anniversary, Brian!

Nine years ago today my husband, Brian, and I got married.  On this anniversary I wanted to invite you all to listen in as I thank him for being an incredible, godly husband…

Brian,

It is so hard to communicate in words the gift you have been to me these past nine years. I often find myself amazed at the Lord’s goodness. I simply cannot believe I got you!!

Our marriage began with the adventure of church planting in Chicago. Those first four and a half years were filled with many adjustments, joys, and a few sorrows. We changed homes and jobs and friends. God blessed us with two precious sons. We also suffered through two miscarriages and various health issues. Then, four years ago God called us back to serve here in Maryland at Covenant Life Church. Soon after we were also blessed to give birth to our third son. It has been a grace-filled journey and I am so glad we have done it together!

This backdrop brings me to what I want to thank you for, Brian: your sacrificial care.  You are a man who is constantly putting the needs of others above his own, starting with your family. Your care has always looked different depending on the situation, but your goal has always been to point me to the Savior. You have challenged me even when I was proud, you have been gentle and understanding when I was sad, you have prayed for me when I was sick, you have pointed me to grace when I was discouraged, you have encouraged me with words of faith when I was a weary from caring for small children, and you have given me breaks from the kids to get refreshed.  I cannot thank you enough for the ways you have cared for my soul. I love the Savior more as a result of your care, and for that I am eternally grateful.

I look forward to spending the rest of our lives together, growing closer to each other and to our Savior. I love you very much and count you as my greatest gift apart from the cross.

Yours,
Kristin

Hope in a Difficult Marriage

Every new bride walks down the aisle in joyful anticipation of her married life. However, for many women, sadly, the hope of an ideal, harmonious, marriage quickly fades. Maybe their husband is neglectful and unkind—consumed by work or other interests. Maybe their husband persists in sinful patterns of lust and pornography. Or maybe their husband has ceased to love them. Whatever the situation, they may feel disillusioned, alone, and full of despair.

In her book, Feminine Appeal, my mom offers words of comfort from God’s Word:

“If you are in an exceptionally trying situation with your husband, I encourage you to pour out your heart to the Lord of love. He knows, He sees, and He hears; and though your tears may be lost on your husband, they are not lost on your heavenly Father. He is the compassionate Lord who urges us to draw near to Him so ‘that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need’ (Heb. 4:16).”

This week, on the marriedlife blog, my husband Brian has also sought to extend care and hope in a series entitled “Finding God in my Difficult Marriage.” Among the questions he answers are:

• Will I ever know joy in a marriage that falls so short?
• How do I maintain perspective when I am so often sinned against?
  
• How do I continue to love the one who doesn’t seem to love me?
• How do I sustain my faith in the midst of such a marriage?
• Why has God chosen such a path for me?

If you’ve found yourself asking one or more of these questions, let me urge you to read these posts, as well as the concluding post: “Armed with Faith in my Marriage.” They will encourage you in the midst of your marital difficulties, help you draw strength from God, and recognize the power of faith in His promises.

It's Here at Last!

Every day we’ve been checking the status of a new book we’ve been eagerly waiting to tell you about. And it has finally become available! The book is entitled: Love that Lasts: When Marriage Meets Grace, and it is authored by our dear friends and CJ’s sister and brother-in-law, Gary and Betsy Ricucci.

If you are engaged or married, this is a must-have, must-read book! But rather than utilizing this post to persuade you about the transforming impact this book can have on your marriage, I’d like to draw on the foreword instead, which CJ and I were privileged to write:

"This is a difficult task. Please don’t misunderstand. Writing the foreword to this book is quite the honor for us. But the task is very difficult for many reasons. Here is one such reason.
    How can we introduce our dear friends Gary and Betsy to you in just a few words? How can we briefly communicate the depth and breadth of our respect for this couple whom we have known for over twenty-eight years? We could write a book about Gary and Betsy, but we’ve only been asked to write a foreword!
    You might have already picked up on how excited we are about this book. We feel like we know a big secret that many others are about to discover. You see, we know the difference this book can make in your life because of the difference this couple has made in our lives and in the lives of so many others. And take it from us, this is the couple you want writing a book about marriage. Because Gary and Betsy are humble they didn’t want to write this book, but we (and many others) felt they simply had to. In the end we persuaded them to do whatever was necessary to make this book happen. The compelling example, biblical instruction, and personal care they have provided for so long and for so many in Covenant Life Church simply had to be offered outside that local church. And here it is!
    In Love That Lasts you will experience the effect of Gary and Betsy’s example, instruction, and care. To read this book is to be personally cared for by this exceptional pastor and his godly bride. On each page you will find counsel that is biblical and wise. And you will be repeatedly encouraged by their humble example as they reveal their struggles with indwelling sin. This book you hold in your hands will transfer hope to your heart regardless of your past, regardless of your present struggle with sin, regardless of any fears you might have about the future. For throughout this book you will be reminded of the gospel, the power of the gospel to transform your marriage, and the relevance of the gospel to every area of marriage. Your marriage is about to meet grace!"

Cherish Him

It’s time to take a closer look at how to cultivate the wifely affection that we talked about yesterday.  And who better to ask what makes a husband feel cherished than husbands?

Chapter two in Feminine Appeal contains responses from different men about how their wives show them this tender love.  I have included some of them here to get you thinking…

“If I’m sick in bed, my wife prepares tea and meals for me without my asking and waits on me hand and foot.  It’s as though her world stops so she can take care of me.”

“Each time Karin catches my eye in public with a smile and subtle wink, or greets me with a warm embrace upon my arrival home from work, or hangs on my arm when we go out on a date, the message comes through loud and clear: ‘I enjoy being with you and want you to know that I love you.’”

“With just a handful of exceptions, Lisa has written me a note in my lunch every single workday for over ten years.”

“My wife shows me affection through a constant stream of small surprises--showing up at work with my favorite Starbucks drink, making her famous brownies on no special occasion, arranging to borrow a friend’s convertible sports car for our anniversary.  Not all have been extremely costly, but all have been very meaningful.”

“I am cherished by my wife through her fervent and faithful intercessory prayer for me.  Her conviction is that no one can care for me like my heavenly Father.”

And here’s one more fun idea I recently came across. My mom was given this t-shirt as a gift and immediately began wearing it.  After my husband saw it, he began dropping hints about how he might like me to have the same shirt. This Christmas, one of his gifts under the tree was this t-shirt which I proudly wear! (Although we can't heartily endorse all the t-shirts on the website, you can purchase your very own "i love my husband" t-shirt here.)

So, we have no more excuses, ladies! There are plenty of ideas here for showing affection to our husband. Let’s get started today!