girl talk

Q & A

Since last week’s Q&A discussion on the ending of a courtship, I have had a few conversations that were too good not to post.

Both were with moms who had daughters involved in relationships.  The first mom had just walked her daughter through ending her relationship. As I inquired about how they were doing, she expressed gratitude for how the young man responded to her daughter in this decision.  He told her that their courtship had been nothing but a success.  Why?  Because they had both grown in godliness.  This young man had the wisdom and foresight to see that a successful relationship is not one that necessarily ends in marriage, but one where the couple grows in faith and love for the Savior. 

The second mom has a daughter who is two weeks into her courtship.  Everything is new and unknown.  This mom told me that she and her husband were excited about this relationship because of what the Lord is doing in the hearts of their daughter and this young man in the process. 

These moms see something much more significant than a relationship. They observe God at work in the hearts of their daughters. They are grateful that their daughters are growing in godliness. This is an eternal and God-honoring perspective.

So, whether you are presently exploring marriage or have recently ended a courtship, may this biblical view of relationships permeate your thinking and fill your heart with faith.

Q & A - Disappointed Hope

Q. “I am curious what you ladies might have to say on the topic of dealing with the grief that comes from the ending of a relationship, particularly when a woman believed it would end in marriage.”

A. This question immediately brought back memories of a similar season that I experienced in my relationship with Mike.  Although the Lord ultimately planned marriage for us, there was a period of time when it appeared our relationship was over for good. And while I realize that not all stories have the same ending, the issues God was after in my heart are the same for all of us—whether or not we eventually get married, and regardless of the nature of our disappointed hope.

When Mike and I ended our relationship, it was after many months of mutual feelings, and much time spent pursuing marriage.  Before the decision to call things off, we would both have been pretty confident marriage to each other was in our future (Read the long version of our story here.) So, upon ending our relationship, I was immediately faced with the temptation to despair.  What was God doing?  Why was I so confused?  I thought Mike was the one! The tears were many, just ask my mom.

This decision marked the beginning of one of the biggest battles I had yet to face in my walk with the Lord. The fight for FAITH.  Did I really believe what I had been taught from Scripture about God’s sovereignty? Did I trust God that He had a perfect plan for my life? Was I confident that He would reveal His will to me, in His good time? Could I be happy if His plan didn’t include marriage? I’m sorry to say that my answer to many of these questions was often a resounding “no.”  I thought that my ideas and plans were best.  If only the Lord would speak more clearly. If only He would do it this way--MY way.

How grateful I am for the mercy of God upon my life during this struggle. Through the leadership of my parents, I began to press into God’s Word in a most intense way.  I spent hours studying “faith” and “sovereignty” in the Bible, and talking through the issues of sin in my heart with others.  The book Is God Really in Control? (previously entitled Trusting God) by Jerry Bridges became a faithful friend to me.  I read this book over and over again. Quotes like these fed my soul...

"God in His infinite wisdom knows exactly what adversity we need to grow more and more into the likeness of His Son.  He not only knows what we need but when we need it and how best to bring it to pass in our lives.  He is the perfect teacher or coach.  His discipline is always exactly suited for our needs.  He never over trains us by allowing too much adversity in our lives.”  Page 122

“If we are to experience peace in our souls in times of adversity, we must come to the place where we truly believe that God’s ways are simply beyond us and stop asking Him “why” or even trying to determine it ourselves.  This may seem like an intellectual “cop out,” a refusal to deal with the really tough issues of life.  In fact, it is just the opposite.  It is a surrender to the truth about God and our circumstances as it is revealed to us by God Himself in His inspired Word.”  Page 126-7

Slowly, I cannot tell you exactly when, my heart began to change.  I still didn’t know if marriage was in my future, but my heart was at peace in the sovereignty of my good and loving Father.  I wanted His perfect plan to be fulfilled in my life.

If you find yourself in a similar situation today (and this fight for faith is certainly not limited to the arena of marriage), I would encourage you to take drastic action.  Renew your mind with the consistent study of God’s Word. Purchase Jerry Bridges' book and pursue the counsel and help of a pastor and godly friends. Grace awaits you!

“The heart of man plans his way but the Lord establishes his steps.” Proverbs 16:9

Q & A - A Holy Longing

Several of you have kindly asked how I am doing in the midst of all the excitement surrounding Caly’s birth. As long-time readers may remember, I first posted back in August about my struggle with secondary infertility following the birth of our son Jack three years ago. As of today, my husband Steve and I still have not been able to get pregnant. And we still don’t know why.

Yet, in answer to your inquiries—which blessed me very much, I must say—I am doing excellently well! I honestly couldn’t be more thrilled about the birth of my little niece! There are times, I think, when God mercifully spares us from temptations which, given the wretched sinfulness of our hearts, should in fact, be present. This, for me, is one of those grace-flooded times.

For many of you out there, who have yet to see two lines on a pregnancy test, I realize that the posts about Caly’s birth may have felt like someone rubbing sandpaper over a scab. In a word, painful. What do I do with this unfulfilled longing that won’t go away? you wonder.

First of all, stop for a moment and thank God for this desire. Genuinely thank Him for this longing. He’s the one who put it in your heart; and when submitted to His sovereign goodness, it is a holy desire.

Tragically, on this very day, many women will spite this God-given desire and choose to end the life of their unborn baby. Recently, blogger Justin Taylor reported a story out of Scotland where a mother is suing a hospital over an unsuccessful abortion, which one of her twin babies survived. The mother is quoted as saying, “I still don’t know if, or what, I am going to tell Jayde [her surviving daughter] when the time comes. Maybe when she is nine or ten I will sit her down and explain it to her.”

Justin writes, “Try to imagine that conversation. Then weep at the depravity. Then realize that we would act in such a murderous, self-centered way but for the grace of God. May we cling to the cross, and cry out to God for both mercy and justice. Come quickly, Lord Jesus.”

But for the grace of God, we would not be wrestling with an unfulfilled desire for a child. But for the grace of God, each one of us would choose to murder our children, just like this woman. And if this thought shocks us, it’s an indication that, maybe, we have not yet understood the true extent of our depravity.

So thank God for this desire to bear children for His glory. Thank God for any desire you have for one of His good gifts--a joyful marriage or the salvation of family members or godly friendships. For it is only by His mercy we desire anything good at all. This, of course, is not the only answer to what to do with an unfulfilled longing that won’t go away. It’s just the first one. Part two tomorrow.

"Resolved" and Q & A

Hey Everyone, Nicole here. I know, I know, some of you moms are anxiously waiting for my mom to post kid’s quiet time picks. Don’t worry, we’ll still bring you that info. But I’m posting today in order to give Mom a chance to catch up on stuff.

She and Dad spent the weekend with 2500 enthusiastic college students at Grace Community Church’s annual Resolved Conference. Hosted by the very enthusiastic single’s pastor (and Dad’s good friend), Rick Holland, the conference also featured the Senior Pastor of Grace Community Church, John MacArthur, Steve Lawson, and Dad and Mom. (Here’s a lovely picture of Mom speaking to the ladies on "True Beauty.") I’d encourage all singles to check out the Resolved website and sign up to receive the mp3’s when they become available.

But as I was saying, Dad and Mom didn’t arrive home until late Monday night (early Tuesday morning, really), and so Mom still needs another day to re-group after their wonderfully memorable weekend!

In order to allow Mom to sleep in this morning (don’t lose heart all you 5:00 clubbers—she’ll be up at 4:30 tomorrow!), I interviewed Dad for today’s Q&A. He is the one who oversees Chad’s devotions.

At twelve years old, Chad has a quiet time for thirty minutes every morning as part of his daily schedule. Dad does devotions together with him twice a week, and the other days Chad reads his Bible on his own (he’s currently in Proverbs) and works through various materials Dad has assigned him.

As Dad puts it, his primary goal with Chad--apart from helping him develop a disciplined habit of meeting with God--is to provide him with cross-centered content that equips him to discern and weaken sin, grow in godliness, and apply truth to his life.

Dad opens their times in prayer, and they conclude by taking turns praying: for God's help to apply the material and specific requests to God on each other's behalf. "I think it's important for Chad to hear me pray and benefit from my prayers," Dad says. "Spurgeon was deeply affected by hearing his mother pray and I want to be an example for my son." Dad also likes to hear Chad pray as it gives him an opportunity to evaluate his heart. In addition to prayer, Dad leads Chad in a discussion, but their times don't merely include instruction. Dad also seeks to model humility by informing Chad of his own sin, and how he is seeking to attack it, and grow in godliness.

In addition to daily Scripture reading, Dad and Chad have covered a variety of topics over the past six months, using sound theological materials, and beginning with portions from Knowing God by J.I. Packer and The Holiness of God by R.C. Sproul.

(Pause. I know some of you may be a tad confused: you thought this was a post about quiet times for middle school children, not adults! It’s true, most of the material Dad is taking Chad through is adult-level reading. However, as Dad says, his goal isn’t exhaustive comprehension of all the material, but sufficient introduction and specific application.)

After time spent in these two classics, Dad had Chad read and then discussed an article entitled “The Cross and Criticism” by Alfred Poirier.

More recently, they’ve spent time studying the conscience. From this study, Dad highly recommends John Macarthur’s message on the conscience from last year’s Resolved conference.

This study was followed by a closer look at the the fifth commandment for children to honor their father and mother. Here they utilized two chapters from two different books: chapter eight on “Respect Authority” in Philip Ryken’s Written in Stone:The Ten Commandments and Today's Moral Crisis and chapter five entitled “Parents and Loving Others” from Kent Hughes’s Disciplines of Grace.

On the topic of biblical masculinity, Dad and Chad are about to begin an excellent article from the most recent issue of the Southern Seminary Magazine, “Show Yourself a Man,” by the Executive Director of CBMW, Randy Stinson. (As an aside, Dad would also recommend an article for parents by Al Mohler. It’s called “When Does a Boy Become a Man?,”and it's also featured in the Winter 2005 issue of Southern Seminary Magazine.)

Finally, Chad recently requested to go through Dad’s book, Humility: True Greatness.

No emails please, asking what to do with girls! All the same stuff applies (except the articles on masculinity of course!).  Young women need to study sound doctrine just as much as the boys. Growing up, Mom was the one discipling us in biblical womanhood, but Dad taught his daughters to love theology as much as their mother does!

Q & A--"Quiet Times for Kids"

We’ve received several questions recently related to devotions for younger children. This time of year, many parents not only set goals for their own quiet times, but consider how to direct their children to Scripture as well.

This week I’ll share a little about what Brian and I are currently doing with our 5 year old, Andrew, and Mom will offer some suggestions next week regarding quiet times for school age/middle school children.

In 2 Timothy 3:15 we learn that Timothy was, from childhood, “acquainted with the sacred writings which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Jesus Christ.” So our primary goal with Andrew at this stage is to saturate him with Scripture, and the message of the gospel it contains. Here are several strategies we’ve used:

1.    Scripture Memory: Since Andrew does not yet read, Brian has devotions with him every morning at breakfast. These times are centered on Scripture memory. Currently Andrew has memorized several Psalms including Psalm 1, 23, 100; and he’s now working through Psalm 103. Of course Ephesians 6:1 was a Scripture we taught him early on (“Children, obey your parents…”), along with Colossians 3:23 (“Whatever you do, work heartily as for the Lord…”).

2.    Scripture Reading: Brian also reads to Andrew from the Bible over breakfast time. He is currently working his way through the Old Testament, reading many of the stories and answering Andrew’s questions about them (and my boy has lots of questions!). They also read in the gospels as well, especially from Luke as our church is currently going through this book.

3.    Other Resources:

• ESV Children's Bible--even though Andrew can't read yet, he enjoys looking at the pictures in this Bible (view samples here and here).
• ESV Bible on CD/MP3 --when my sisters and I were little, my mom used to put on “Scripture tapes” at bedtime.
• "Hide the Word" Series by Mark Altrogge--has over 120 Scriptures set to music for easy memorization.
• "Hide Em In Your Heart" by Steve Green--I just purchased two of these cd's with more great Scripture songs.
• Children’s Ministry--our church publishes a Grown-up Sheet which assists parents in reviewing the lesson from Sunday Morning.

It is the Lord who ultimately must awaken a love for His Word in Andrew’s heart and yet as parents we want to be faithful to provide fertile ground for the Holy Spirit by exposing Andrew to as much Scripture as possible.

Q & A

Q. It happened again today. We were at the doctor’s office when a well-meaning secretary told my son that “Santa was watching.” My son had a puzzled “are you crazy?” look on his face, and I wasn’t quite sure what to do. It will happen many times this season (akin to the “what are you going to be for Halloween?” questions). My concern is that I don’t want to stumble my unbelieving neighbors. I don’t want my friends who do Santa to feel uncomfortable. And most of all, I do not want my children to be self-righteous about our convictions concerning holidays as a family. Do you have any suggestions about how to instruct my children to respond? Or suggestions for what I might say to diffuse an awkward situation if my kids do blurt out “we don’t believe in Santa Claus”?

A. This is a hard question to answer because this issue comes up in a variety of interactions, many of them brief and passing. However, here are a few thoughts, mostly drawn from how my parents handled this issue when my sisters and I were young.

First of all, it is helpful to remember that belief in Santa isn’t a major theological front on which we mothers must fight. The well-meaning people who ask our children “What is Santa going to bring you?” aren’t questioning the diety of Christ or the authority of God’s Word. They might be perpetuating the myth of Santa, but the essential truths of the gospel are not at stake in these conversations with strangers (or friends). And the motives of these individuals are generally an expression of kindness to you and your children.

Having said that, here’s how you might serve both your children and the adults in these conversations:

1.    Prepare your children - When they are old enough to understand, explain to them the origin of Santa. Tell them “This is what many people believe, and even though we don’t believe the same as them, we want to be gracious and polite when they ask us questions.”

2.    Intervene and Redirect – Answer the adult's question for your child with a response such as: “That is so kind of you to ask. We actually don’t do Santa in our family. Daddy and Mommy will be giving our children gifts this Christmas as a way to express our love for our children and our gratefulness to God for the gift they are to us.” In a kind way, seek to move the conversation away from Santa and focus on your love for your children.

3.    Follow up - A refresher course after one of these conversations will probably serve your children as well. It’s a great opportunity to remind them once again of the truly joyous reason we celebrate Christmas: the birth of Jesus Christ.

Q & A

Q.  My parents are Christians but don't share our convictions regarding how we raise our children (teaching the kids to obey, respect Daddy, careful about TV viewing, not promoting too many toys/greed...).  I've talked with my parents telling them why we do (or don't do) certain things in our family.  Things are very awkward with my parents.  What wisdom can you share with young parents who are trying to raise their children biblically with grandparents who don't agree with us?

A.  This is a relevant question for many couples—especially at Christmas when there is often extended time with grandparents. Let me commend you from the outset for sharing your biblical convictions about parenting with your parents. That is hard to do, and yet necessary.

I wish I could tell you there was an immediate cure for the awkwardness. However, I want to encourage you that time will undoubtedly prove the wisdom of parenting according to God’s Word.

C.J. and I experienced similar questions regarding our parenting decisions when our children were young. But we were later encouraged for those very decisions as family members observed the fruit of biblical parenting in the lives of our children.

In the meantime let me encourage you to do everything you can to build the relationship with your parents, without compromising your convictions. Here are a few suggestions.

1.    Encourage your parents—Look for commendable qualities in their lives and point them out to your children, in front of your parents. For example: “Joey, did you know that Grandpa is a very hard worker? He sacrificed every day to provide for our family. I want you to learn to be a hard worker like Grandpa some day.”

2.    Invite your parent’s observations—Together with your husband, ask for your parent’s thoughts on how you could be better parents. Try to find areas where you may agree on parenting methods and ask for their counsel related to those specific issues.

3.    Pick your battles—Some issues are more important than others. For example, you will have to draw the line if your parents want to expose your children to a television show you aren’t comfortable with. However, if Grandma wants to give them extra treats when they visit, allow her to enjoy doting on her grandchildren. Your parents will probably never see things exactly as you do. Take a stand on the important issues and be flexible where possible.

4.    Talk to your kids—When necessary, have age-appropriate conversations with your children regarding interactions with your parents. If there are ways in which your parents are a poor example, you may have to help your children see that you do not agree with their behavior in a certain situation.

Ultimately, trust in God is crucial. He has designed this family dynamic for your good and His glory. You have a holy opportunity to be a godly example to your children: both through your biblical parenting and your love and grace-filled attitude toward your parents. May God grant you much wisdom as you seek to glorify Him!

Q & A

Charisa wrote in a while ago to ask “Do you have any encouragement or practical advice for married women with no children who work full-time?”

She goes on to explain: “I have a strong desire to be home caring for my husband and having children.  I want to have time to fold my laundry and vacuum my floors, volunteer, make meals for friends in need, babysit my niece, and spend time with other ladies.  But I'm often too exhausted to do so. How do I practice biblical womanhood in a season where my husband has requested me to work?”

There is so much that could be said on this topic. I know that working full-time and caring for a home is intense. I’ve been there. For what they are worth, here are a few of my thoughts…

First of all, your desires to work in your home, care for a family, and serve others are wonderful. God gave you those desires.  He is the one who appointed women to manage the home (1 Tim. 5:14, Titus 2:5). So it is good and right that you desire to be a home-worker. However, if your husband needs you to work outside the home for a season, then you can be reassured that by serving your husband, you are fulfilling your call to be his helper.

It is important that you both recognize that this decision to work full-time will come with limitations: you won’t be able to serve your husband in all the ways you desire right now. However, you are no less his helper than the woman who is at home full-time. We must all resist the temptation to compare ourselves with others. We must trust that God’s plan (and timing) for each of us is best—even if it isn’t what we had in mind.

Remember that God’s grace is available to you. He has called you to serve this particular man at this particular time in this particular way. That means he has particular grace available to enable you to complete this task. He has promised to equip you with everything you need for doing His will (Heb. 13:20-21).

Faith in God’s sovereignty and His strengthening grace will enable you to help your husband in humility, dependence, and joy. (In fact, we’re in the midst of a little series on these topics, which will continue tomorrow.)

And on a practical note, here are three strategies that served me:

1.    Keep things simple. Look for ways to streamline your home responsibilities (shopping on the weekends, freezing meals, etc.). In humility, recognize that you won’t be able to do it all and accept the limitations that come with your season. This doesn’t mean you’re not being a good wife—you’re just serving your husband in a unique way!

2.    Consistently re-evaluate. The home is the priority for us as women, and Steve and I always viewed my working full-time outside the home as less than ideal. Therefore, we periodically re-evaluated our financial situation to determine if I could work part-time or come home. And I would encourage you and your husband to consider when you might be able to be home full-time.

3.    Seek counsel. Find other women who have worked (or are working) full-time and ask for practical (and spiritual) suggestions. Make sure your husband is informed about the challenges you face juggling both work and home responsibilities. Encourage your husband to get counsel from your pastor regarding this decision to have you work full-time and the implications for your marriage and home-life.

There is so much more that could be said. Most of all, I pray God will give you grace to say with the Psalmist: “The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places” (Psalm 16:6).

Q & A

Happy Wednesday everyone! For Q & A this week, we want to comment on a question from a woman who begins by describing her experience:

"It just starts with some thoughts that you are unattractive and fat, then it took me to a place where I started to eat less and less, sometimes not eating for days at a time. When that wasn't enough or the scale didn't change, then I would use pills or make myself vomit. Now, sometimes I can go months without struggling this way but once I'm there again it seems hopeless, and I already feel defeated...I can never find any resources or books that are Christian on this type of thing so I was going to see if you knew of any or had suggestions."

I respect the honesty communicated in this question.  I have talked with different girls over the years who face serious temptation in the area of eating. Their desire for food or lack thereof has been an ongoing, difficult, and often discouraging battle. Many women struggle with sins of this kind, which reminds us once again of the truth in Scripture, that: “no temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man.”

This verse goes on to renew our hope because: “God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond you ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it” 1 Cor. 10:31.

While this temptation is indeed common, more help and truth is needed than I could possibly provide in a brief post. However, help is available, and I do want to recommend an excellent resource on this topic: Love to Eat, Hate to Eat by Elyse Fitzpatrick.

In this book, Mrs. Fitzpatrick provides biblical hope to those who feel “stuck” in ungodly patterns of eating by diagnosing the problem: remaining sin in our hearts. Eating “disorders” are not a disease from which we need to be healed, but rather sin from which we must repent and turn away.

But the good news is that Jesus died to free us from the power of sin and ungodly eating habits are no exception.  His sacrifice makes it possible for us to fight our sin and experience the grace of forgiveness and change. As we humble ourselves before the truth found in Scripture, we will find joy and freedom.

"But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves of God, the fruit you get leads to sanctification and its end, eternal life.  For the wages of sin is death but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord."  Romans 6:22-23

Q & A

Q. What counsel would you have for a woman who wants to honor the Lord in the area of submission, but is unsure what it means to submit to a husband who isn't a believer? How does she seek to cultivate respect and appreciation for him when he is not following the Lord? What does it look like for her to follow, when her husband is not following the Lord?

A. To attempt to answer this question, I want to draw from the chapter entitled “The Beauty of Submission” found in my book Feminine Appeal.

First let me preface my remarks with this important point: The edict for wives to submit (Eph. 5:22-24; Col. 3:18; Titus 2:5; 1 Peter 3:1-6) originated in the gracious heart of God. This command is not punishment for our sin. Neither is it optional or devised by man. Rather, it is God who determined that we are to voluntarily place ourselves under our husbands' authority. He designed submission for His glory. (If you are interested in further study, I recommend Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood, edited by John Piper and Wayne Grudem and published by Crossway Books. In my opinion this collection of essays is the most biblical and comprehensive resource available on the topic today.)

Not surprisingly, Scripture anticipates the very question our reader asked. The answer is found in 1 Peter 3:1-6:

“Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives— (2) when they see your respectful and pure conduct. (3) Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair, the wearing of gold, or the putting on of clothing— (4) but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. (5) For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their husbands, (6) as Sarah obey Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.”

While this passage certainly offers hope to women in difficult marriages, verse one clearly stipulates that wives are to submit to their husbands “even if some do not obey the word.”  Unless a moral issue is at stake, we are obliged by Scripture to submit to our husbands. As Elisabeth Elliot bluntly states, God’s Word does not "give any footnotes."

Of course, we must never follow our husbands' leadership into sin. For while their authority is genuine, it is by no means absolute. Our preeminent authority is God Himself, and at no time should our submission violate any of His expressed commands (Acts 5:29).

In addition, a wife—whether or not she is married to a believer—is called to respect her husband. In verse six of 1 Peter 3, we see that Abraham’s wife, Sarah, called him “lord.” The implication in this verse is clear: Wives are to show respect to their husbands. Ephesians 5:33 is even more straightforward: “Let the wife see that she respects her husband.”

A wife should vigilantly study her husband and perceive character traits worthy of respect. When she does, amazing results will often follow. Husbands will strive to be worthy of that respect.

So even if we do not feel particularly respectful; or though we may not think our husbands have done anything worthy of respect lately; or even if we reckon ourselves to be more capable, intelligent, or godly than our husbands—none of these are reasons to exempt us. Respect is a decision we make to obey God’s Word. He has set the husband as the head (1 Cor. 11:3), and we must honor that position regardless.

However, submission and respect are not static character qualities. Together, they are a powerful, dynamic force that brilliantly display the gospel. Look again at, 1 Peter 3:1: “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives” (emphasis mine). How remarkable to think that the virtue of submission can actually prompt change in an unbelieving husband and even be the means God uses to draw him to Himself!

As Elizabeth George eloquently expresses it: “Our submission to our husband—whether or not he is a Christian, whether or not he is obeying God—preaches a lovelier and more powerful sermon than our mouth ever could!”

Tomorrow, in order to answer the question: “What does it look like for [a wife] to follow, when her husband is not following the Lord?” we will illustrate with a story of a woman whose submission to her unbelieving husband was instrumental in his salvation.